stephen

he went to kiss me and i turned and he got a mouthful of hair and he laughed and i saw his chain and his teeth and his lips and his smile and i went to kiss him and he turned and i drew him close and i cried and he smiled and smiled and laughed and he went to kiss me and i stayed and he kissed and kissed and kissed and i cried and cried and cried and the flames of the candles dimmed and died

The quaker

and not in the religious sense, in the sense that you make my world shake, quake, like an earthquake, it's what you do, it's all you do, that's what you should dress up as, to the party, tonight, and you don't even need a mask, all you need is to walk in a room, a room where i am, and you're a quaker. you're the quaker, my quaker, you quake my world you shake my world, you hero.

beautiful

Love
made
me
wait,
because
I
knew
you
were
worth
waiting
for.

Blue

It only hurts when you're heading to the kitchen sink and can't make it with words stuck in your throat and the tight feeling in your stomach won't stop aching and you try and try to make your hands stop shaking but you keel over and cry.

Love didn't happen the second night when you laughed with me and held my face in your hands and told me you were falling for me. Love didn't happen when you shook every fear I ever believed in and held me so close I could die. Love happened when you stared at my reflection on the TV screen with your hand on your chin when you thought I couldn't see you and you reached over and held me closer than you had before for just a moment before you looked at me.

I stare at you through mirrors and windows and car doors and sunglasses, your reflection gathering dust in my mind. I stare at you on all those hard surfaces, knowing that looking directly into those soft eyes will blind me.

familiar fruit tastes sweeter

deep eyes and melting skin stops your
one...two before it gets too loud. how much
of my dream belonged to you, only i
know and by god i'll never share.

when dancing stops and you stare like
you've never seen me before and the bright
yellow magnolias in your eyes flash my way
my heart beats into one million rhythms and
(just like yesterday)
you take my
breath
away.

fear makes me smile at you before you're ready
and you wink back s l o w l y as your head rests down
and your eyes move down
and your smile shuts down
and i know where you're looking
and i'm smiling
and as hard as mirrored fragrance i can
smell that you want me too.

and as they sleep and you kiss me in that
imagined secrecy, i know that they could know.

but love gets the best of me and
fuck them all becomes my motto
you're better than every tomorrow.
you're better than every tomorrow.

Journey

We traveled. That was all it was.
Temporary, and me thinking
the read trip would
last forever but there you
are stopping at pit stops
and grabbing souvenirs
like girls called Rachel
and Amber, and
all the while I'm thinking
about this journey, this
adventure
he wants me
this love.
Love.
And you don't know
what love is. You don't
understand pain and giving
and happiness.
You don't want to be happy
you want to be satisfied.
You want loveless romance.
You want to tell a girl she's
the best thing in the world.
You were my journey,
I was your adventure,
and we both ended
way too soon.

the shift and break

rush me as i walk through the door and kiss me rougher than you know i like and pull my hair and put scratches on my back and put your hands around my neck and bite my bottom lip and just rush rush rush until i beg you to stop and pin me against the wall and just kiss me and pull on my collar until i feel like i'll choke and when i push your hands away push mine behind my back and tell me my place and hurt me hurt me hurt me until i say that i can't take it and tell me i have no choice and kiss me til it burns and stare at me straight in the eye as tears roll down my cheek and hold me for a while until you know i can go on and force me on my knees and do what you do that makes me want to stop breathing and just look down on me and watch my cry and do it until i begin to scream and choke and just break me down to the bits that i am and don't ever stop never never never i just want to be your everything just call me what you call me that makes me start to shiver and do what you do to me just do it til it hurts daddy

thai, but said differently, and saturday night

i rolled it out on the carpet for you. when it comes to me, you can have anything you like. ask me first, but don't let me say no. breathe with me. do whatever you need to do, just don't stop.

(i doubt that i'm asking for too much when all i'm asking is that you give me what i never had, more so what i never believed i'd have, more so what i never believed i wanted, just give it to me, cause i want it and you know it, cause mind games don't phase me, cause every time you ever breathed i breathed along with you )

when hugging me that night was the best thing you've ever done, when looking at me and winking was the hardest thing you ever did, when whispering over that loud music shocked us both, and when i grabbed your wrist and felt your pulse and felt that your blood was pumping through your veins in sync with mine, i wanted to rush you just as hard as you later rushed me.

(i'll take it, no return to sender, no refund, no return for store credit, i'll take you as you are, and when you break, i'll fix you, because i love you, and because you're the one i picked, as you are, and it's all i ever wanted. you're what breathes life into me when my oxygen fails, yet at the same time you take my breath away.)

questions buzzing in my ears

Why would you be sweeter to someone than what they deserve? Why would you treat someone like heaven one day and the next day they're nothing but dirt on your shoe? Why did you call me to thank me for a lovely evening and the next day, totally dismiss me? Am I oblivious? Isn't it that you're not meant to be sweet to people you don't care about? I had a dream about you. Would it mean anything if I told it to you? You were with me somewhere and I said, "Wow, I didn't know you were that tall." what does that mean? Why would you come, lie on my bed, blush, stare, enjoy my company, and then just dismiss me? Am I that transparent that you see straight through my imperfections? But I know you think my face is beautiful...
you make me feel like a work of art. Did you know that? What would you say if I told you all of this? Would you be sweet to me, build up my hopes, and then send me crashing hard into the ground again? Ive got this feeling you would do something like that...it's more than just silliness. You're hurting me. Maliciously. You made me feel like I was in heaven. Did you know that? I was in no rush to come back to earth. Why are you so cruel?
Do you do this to many girls, or is it just me?
Do you mean to be malicious or is it an accident?
Why don't you ever hug me? Do you not hug anyone?
Did you mean to do me harm?
How can you be so fickle? Or am I fickle? Do my feelings for you skyrocket when you do something which is even a bit nice? Am I crazy? Did you know that yours was the best chocolate I have even tasted? Do you mean to be so sentimental? Was your offer for me to kiss you real or were you only joking? What would you do if I kissed you? Did you know I was ready to break a promise to God for you? Do you ever think about me when I'm not with you? When I sign on to msn and you go from being available to being away, is that because of me? Do you want to bang your head against the wall when you get an email from me? I think you do.
Do you think that I love you? 'Cause I don't, I'm only infatuated. Do you ever stare into space and think about my eyes? What kind of chicks are you into? Do you hate me at all? Did you feel something when we prayed together? Is that why you called me? Whats all the stuff you've done that you regret? Would you do it to me? How many hearts have you shattered? Are you including mine?
Would you rather see me happy or naked? Why do you find me interesting? When you came over, was it about the CD's? Really? Did you know I hung up on Sam for you? Did you know you blow me away?
Is it obvious that I like you? Do you think I'm crazy? Are you going to ignore me to get me to leave you alone? What am I supposed to do now? How should I act around you? Do you find me interesting or pretty or both? Do you think I'm nice? Do you think you're more translucent than you are? Do you know how pretty your hair is? Do you delete all of my emails? If I ignored you, would you care? Would you fancy me if I lost 100 lbs? Am I uglier than I think? Do I love you? Do I love me?

conclusion

broken glasses on the floor and God only
knows how they got there, dried tears on
my face, and he only knows why they
dried there. angry bruises on my arms
and we both know why they reddened there,
and i wonder what he's wondering but neither
of us tends to speak about past mistakes
because weeping only leads to honesty
and honesty only leads to pain so
yesterday will remain distant and we'll never
bring it up again, and every time i try he'll
tell me its the past and that it won't be so bad
next time and 'damn it, relax, honey' and i'm so
sure that the responsibility was mine, and i'm
so sure that I was the one meant to stop this
but when i think of all he's done for me, i just
sit back and let it go because God knows that
I'm not even almost as strong as the drink in
his glass.

Sky hues

The wind moves the clouds around the sky and my eyes dance with them.
The beauty changes
colours from grey to white to blue to
white again. I feel so stagnant
and small that pain
r
u
s
h
e
s
through my veins.
What does it mean to feel so
small
in this world?
So stationary and
stagnant?
Should I be
glad that
I feel anything at all?

It starts to rain.

The world is beautiful.

Shakespeare

“When my love swears that she is made of truth”

WHEN my love swears that she is made of truth
I do believe her, though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutor’d youth,
Unlearned in the world’s false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,	5
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue:
On both sides thus is simple truth supprest.
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?	10
O! love’s best habit is in seeming trust,
And age in love loves not to have years told:
Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flatter’d be. -William Shakespeare

jerry

why
i choked.
it was more than
sitting and waiting
on the branch of the tree
for you to come down and give
me the roses so i could plant them
in our new garden. it was more than me
sitting and waiting under the stars for you
to come by and wish for me on them. it was the
night you ran past her to catch me when i was falling
when you gave me the first reason ever to smile
that day, when you held me, blood rushing
down my face and swore to stay with
me until it ended. until it ended
until it ends. i won't leave
you. and you stayed
like no one else
had, and i
loved
you

golden sunshine

it's because you sat on the phone
with me that night for
three hours and told me everything.

the first time you knew, the
first time you told someone, the
first time they told you not to proceed,
the first time they told you to
proceed, the first time you hessitated,
your first dream about me, your
song for me, your prayers for me,
everything, and you told me-
and this changed my life-
"it's always been you, r!tah."