.

There will come a moment when
he'll do something so unbelievably
hurtful that you'll look at the
situation, realize that he doesn't
think about how what he does will
affect you before he does it, and
you'll shake your head, feel the
deep, painful, scarring crack in
your heart, and all of those cells
in your body will decide not to
quiver for him anymore.

Of the 14th.

poetry spills
out of my eyes like wildfire
and I'm
finding out
not all tears are sad.

(sometimes we get too happy for the world.
that's all.
the world can't take it,
and we leak.)

not everything can be
broken down
(like stanzas)
and when you stare at me
my whole world is set on fire
and I cry.
(Not all tears
are sad)
But happiness doesn't place it
when you're holding me and
I can't explain
how I feel it all
at the same
time

rush
rush
rush
so cold and
warm and full
and empty
and lonely and
happy and
loved

no,
happiness doesn't
place it.

when you break me down like
a sonnet and fill all my
blank spaces and alliterate me
until my insides feel like they
really will explode and all the
metaphors in the world don't
do and all the comparisons
and similes
give simple juxtapositions
instead of complete explanations
and
evaluations and

I
want
to
die

for wanting to be with you

such a
rushrushrush

that I can't place it
and there it goes again
like poetry
and you're the words that fill my paper
and I'm falling
like blots of ink on tissue
like rain
like magic.

My poetry.

stephen

he went to kiss me and i turned and he got a mouthful of hair and he laughed and i saw his chain and his teeth and his lips and his smile and i went to kiss him and he turned and i drew him close and i cried and he smiled and smiled and laughed and he went to kiss me and i stayed and he kissed and kissed and kissed and i cried and cried and cried and the flames of the candles dimmed and died

The quaker

and not in the religious sense, in the sense that you make my world shake, quake, like an earthquake, it's what you do, it's all you do, that's what you should dress up as, to the party, tonight, and you don't even need a mask, all you need is to walk in a room, a room where i am, and you're a quaker. you're the quaker, my quaker, you quake my world you shake my world, you hero.

beautiful

Love
made
me
wait,
because
I
knew
you
were
worth
waiting
for.

Blue

It only hurts when you're heading to the kitchen sink and can't make it with words stuck in your throat and the tight feeling in your stomach won't stop aching and you try and try to make your hands stop shaking but you keel over and cry.

Love didn't happen the second night when you laughed with me and held my face in your hands and told me you were falling for me. Love didn't happen when you shook every fear I ever believed in and held me so close I could die. Love happened when you stared at my reflection on the TV screen with your hand on your chin when you thought I couldn't see you and you reached over and held me closer than you had before for just a moment before you looked at me.

I stare at you through mirrors and windows and car doors and sunglasses, your reflection gathering dust in my mind. I stare at you on all those hard surfaces, knowing that looking directly into those soft eyes will blind me.

familiar fruit tastes sweeter

deep eyes and melting skin stops your
one...two before it gets too loud. how much
of my dream belonged to you, only i
know and by god i'll never share.

when dancing stops and you stare like
you've never seen me before and the bright
yellow magnolias in your eyes flash my way
my heart beats into one million rhythms and
(just like yesterday)
you take my
breath
away.

fear makes me smile at you before you're ready
and you wink back s l o w l y as your head rests down
and your eyes move down
and your smile shuts down
and i know where you're looking
and i'm smiling
and as hard as mirrored fragrance i can
smell that you want me too.

and as they sleep and you kiss me in that
imagined secrecy, i know that they could know.

but love gets the best of me and
fuck them all becomes my motto
you're better than every tomorrow.
you're better than every tomorrow.

Journey

We traveled. That was all it was.
Temporary, and me thinking
the read trip would
last forever but there you
are stopping at pit stops
and grabbing souvenirs
like girls called Rachel
and Amber, and
all the while I'm thinking
about this journey, this
adventure
he wants me
this love.
Love.
And you don't know
what love is. You don't
understand pain and giving
and happiness.
You don't want to be happy
you want to be satisfied.
You want loveless romance.
You want to tell a girl she's
the best thing in the world.
You were my journey,
I was your adventure,
and we both ended
way too soon.

the shift and break

rush me as i walk through the door and kiss me rougher than you know i like and pull my hair and put scratches on my back and put your hands around my neck and bite my bottom lip and just rush rush rush until i beg you to stop and pin me against the wall and just kiss me and pull on my collar until i feel like i'll choke and when i push your hands away push mine behind my back and tell me my place and hurt me hurt me hurt me until i say that i can't take it and tell me i have no choice and kiss me til it burns and stare at me straight in the eye as tears roll down my cheek and hold me for a while until you know i can go on and force me on my knees and do what you do that makes me want to stop breathing and just look down on me and watch my cry and do it until i begin to scream and choke and just break me down to the bits that i am and don't ever stop never never never i just want to be your everything just call me what you call me that makes me start to shiver and do what you do to me just do it til it hurts daddy

thai, but said differently, and saturday night

i rolled it out on the carpet for you. when it comes to me, you can have anything you like. ask me first, but don't let me say no. breathe with me. do whatever you need to do, just don't stop.

(i doubt that i'm asking for too much when all i'm asking is that you give me what i never had, more so what i never believed i'd have, more so what i never believed i wanted, just give it to me, cause i want it and you know it, cause mind games don't phase me, cause every time you ever breathed i breathed along with you )

when hugging me that night was the best thing you've ever done, when looking at me and winking was the hardest thing you ever did, when whispering over that loud music shocked us both, and when i grabbed your wrist and felt your pulse and felt that your blood was pumping through your veins in sync with mine, i wanted to rush you just as hard as you later rushed me.

(i'll take it, no return to sender, no refund, no return for store credit, i'll take you as you are, and when you break, i'll fix you, because i love you, and because you're the one i picked, as you are, and it's all i ever wanted. you're what breathes life into me when my oxygen fails, yet at the same time you take my breath away.)

questions buzzing in my ears

Why would you be sweeter to someone than what they deserve? Why would you treat someone like heaven one day and the next day they're nothing but dirt on your shoe? Why did you call me to thank me for a lovely evening and the next day, totally dismiss me? Am I oblivious? Isn't it that you're not meant to be sweet to people you don't care about? I had a dream about you. Would it mean anything if I told it to you? You were with me somewhere and I said, "Wow, I didn't know you were that tall." what does that mean? Why would you come, lie on my bed, blush, stare, enjoy my company, and then just dismiss me? Am I that transparent that you see straight through my imperfections? But I know you think my face is beautiful...
you make me feel like a work of art. Did you know that? What would you say if I told you all of this? Would you be sweet to me, build up my hopes, and then send me crashing hard into the ground again? Ive got this feeling you would do something like that...it's more than just silliness. You're hurting me. Maliciously. You made me feel like I was in heaven. Did you know that? I was in no rush to come back to earth. Why are you so cruel?
Do you do this to many girls, or is it just me?
Do you mean to be malicious or is it an accident?
Why don't you ever hug me? Do you not hug anyone?
Did you mean to do me harm?
How can you be so fickle? Or am I fickle? Do my feelings for you skyrocket when you do something which is even a bit nice? Am I crazy? Did you know that yours was the best chocolate I have even tasted? Do you mean to be so sentimental? Was your offer for me to kiss you real or were you only joking? What would you do if I kissed you? Did you know I was ready to break a promise to God for you? Do you ever think about me when I'm not with you? When I sign on to msn and you go from being available to being away, is that because of me? Do you want to bang your head against the wall when you get an email from me? I think you do.
Do you think that I love you? 'Cause I don't, I'm only infatuated. Do you ever stare into space and think about my eyes? What kind of chicks are you into? Do you hate me at all? Did you feel something when we prayed together? Is that why you called me? Whats all the stuff you've done that you regret? Would you do it to me? How many hearts have you shattered? Are you including mine?
Would you rather see me happy or naked? Why do you find me interesting? When you came over, was it about the CD's? Really? Did you know I hung up on Sam for you? Did you know you blow me away?
Is it obvious that I like you? Do you think I'm crazy? Are you going to ignore me to get me to leave you alone? What am I supposed to do now? How should I act around you? Do you find me interesting or pretty or both? Do you think I'm nice? Do you think you're more translucent than you are? Do you know how pretty your hair is? Do you delete all of my emails? If I ignored you, would you care? Would you fancy me if I lost 100 lbs? Am I uglier than I think? Do I love you? Do I love me?

conclusion

broken glasses on the floor and God only
knows how they got there, dried tears on
my face, and he only knows why they
dried there. angry bruises on my arms
and we both know why they reddened there,
and i wonder what he's wondering but neither
of us tends to speak about past mistakes
because weeping only leads to honesty
and honesty only leads to pain so
yesterday will remain distant and we'll never
bring it up again, and every time i try he'll
tell me its the past and that it won't be so bad
next time and 'damn it, relax, honey' and i'm so
sure that the responsibility was mine, and i'm
so sure that I was the one meant to stop this
but when i think of all he's done for me, i just
sit back and let it go because God knows that
I'm not even almost as strong as the drink in
his glass.

Sky hues

The wind moves the clouds around the sky and my eyes dance with them.
The beauty changes
colours from grey to white to blue to
white again. I feel so stagnant
and small that pain
r
u
s
h
e
s
through my veins.
What does it mean to feel so
small
in this world?
So stationary and
stagnant?
Should I be
glad that
I feel anything at all?

It starts to rain.

The world is beautiful.

Shakespeare

“When my love swears that she is made of truth”

WHEN my love swears that she is made of truth
I do believe her, though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutor’d youth,
Unlearned in the world’s false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,	5
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue:
On both sides thus is simple truth supprest.
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?	10
O! love’s best habit is in seeming trust,
And age in love loves not to have years told:
Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flatter’d be. -William Shakespeare

jerry

why
i choked.
it was more than
sitting and waiting
on the branch of the tree
for you to come down and give
me the roses so i could plant them
in our new garden. it was more than me
sitting and waiting under the stars for you
to come by and wish for me on them. it was the
night you ran past her to catch me when i was falling
when you gave me the first reason ever to smile
that day, when you held me, blood rushing
down my face and swore to stay with
me until it ended. until it ended
until it ends. i won't leave
you. and you stayed
like no one else
had, and i
loved
you

golden sunshine

it's because you sat on the phone
with me that night for
three hours and told me everything.

the first time you knew, the
first time you told someone, the
first time they told you not to proceed,
the first time they told you to
proceed, the first time you hessitated,
your first dream about me, your
song for me, your prayers for me,
everything, and you told me-
and this changed my life-
"it's always been you, r!tah."

yours papi

long time
song rhymes
strong dymes
small limes
weak lines
tough binds
he finds


she minds

home

home for me being a
broken nostalgia without the
strength of definition, a dwelling.
i dwell without strength
in reason. my reason seems
to drive into strange springs and
tears away from that. from home.
from fear of familiarity. chasing me
away from what I've always known
but have never wanted to acknowledge,
a fear which has broken me into
glass tearing. i stare.
i'll stare.
i'll always stare, into that crystal
ball, and it seems like
crystals always led me to you
and you have always been home
to me.

Pocketed Exhuberance

you're actually shy.
i didn't think you were, but,you're shy.
it's almost magnetic, our chemistry,
(I feel an atomic bond with you which
is stronger than I ever imagined)
are you surprised at that? I
felt as scripted as you
did. I had expectations and mot
ivations for every thing said between us. I
had solemn lies and shattered veins follow
ing my every word. I never meant to hide
the truth from you, but with you, you....I....
expected perfection.We were best friends.
You know that. I was your coveted sky.
You told me.

So what the hell was all that pain about?

newsflash

newsflash, it won't make you happy
it won't make you smile, it will drown
you in your misery 'till your heart can
no longer stomach the pain that you're
putting him through, and you think you're
magical, don't you, you think you're
so wise, let him cry-let him cry- he
hurt me, so I'll hurt him, you don't know
sh!t about hurt, you don't know the
first thing about pain, you don't know the
first thing about being lonely with millions
of people around you, and you sit there
with the nerve to hurt somebody who loved
you, who loved you, who loved you,
against the wishes of...
who do you think you are, and why aren't you
getting it through your skull? newsflash, no
one will ever love you. newsflash, no
one will ever love you, your heart is cold,
no one will ever love you, and tearing him
apart won't fix your broken pieces,
and tearing him apart won't mend your cracked
spirit, and tearing him apart is as foolish as you
are, how dare you not show that you ever
loved him, how dare you, newsflash, you're
not even just a bad person, newsflash, you're the worst
type of person, you're the type of person
who insights ugly poetry and black hearts,
you're the type of person who doesn't value love
when they have it, and then doesn't let it go once they don't
anymore, you're the type of person to allow two
people to suffer out of your own selfishness, you're
not even cruel, cruel is too good for you,
newsflash you're worse than a murderer, you're
ripping out his organs while he's alive, you're
selfish, selfish, selfish, and the pain that hurts, the pain that
makes me feel like the devil, is that i can't wait for you
to be a headline. i can't wait. i can't wait for you to
be a headline. in the worst way possible. oh that it may
happen. it would be the only good news on the
front page of the washington post.

I'm sorry you don't know how lovely you are...

Simple kiss on the cheek and baby, I’m blushing like crazy. Soft and crazy. I’m not one to go parading my love to others, but even without me saying it, they just know that I’m mad about you.

I'm mad about you…

It’s more than the kiss, although that made my day, (15 hours later, and it still makes me smile, something crazy) it’s more than the kiss. It’s you not finding me grotesque, it’s you being my friend, so obviously and regardless, it’s you trying to give me the kiss of the century, but holding yourself back because you know we shouldn’t.

We shouldn’t…

It’s a strand of hair left on my couch, that I know ill keep forever. It’s having you near my lap, my fingers running through your hair, close enough to smell, and realizing that we use the same shampoo. It’s you looking up at me and smiling, God, you're just so beautiful…

You’re just so beautiful…

It’s you, sitting there, looking like a baby, your cheeks filled to the brim with food, you smiling with chicken in your teeth, the smile the size of the world, the smile I cant forget, even if I wanted to. It’s you thanking me, with that soft kiss on the cheek, treating me like you’ll just never let me go. You act like I’m the best thing ever, the most beautiful girl in the history of the world. But you're it. You're the best ever. You see the best in everyone that you meet. That’s you. The love-struck wanderer who just cant see anything bad in anyone else, because you’ve got a heart of gold.

Yes, you’ve got a heart of gold…

They call you a romantic, cause that’s the only word they know that will fit. But you're more than that. Romantic sounds too bland and dry for you. Romantic sounds like, oh anyone will do. Oh, anyone is good enough. It’s all about lust and love and all the rest of it. But you, you're more than that. You're the most amazing in the world, because you’ll never allow yourself to settle for second best. Which is why sometimes I wonder what you're doing with me. I’m nothing but a love good, myself. Actually, I’m nothing without you…

All is nothing without you…

Israeli Songs

here i go loving you with my heart spread all over the east coast of another continent with you on the line in one hand with my fingers tapping my cheek on the other hand trying to catch inevitable tears as you feel me with memories which i try not to remember and i didnt think that i could feel this lonely with so many people surrounding me and i didnt know that i could want to cry even when everyone else is laughing and i didnt know that you were the only thing i smiled for for the past 10 months and i didnt think that this hour long phone conversation would make so much of a difference but it did

"i kissed you on the cheek that day, remember? to thank you. to thank you for the music you gave me. remember?"

i remember and i remember and i remember and i cant believe you remembered. i remember every time you kissed me on the cheek to thank me and every time we would play football and you would chase me and im kenyan and im fast and you couldnt catch me but when you did you would pounce on me and tackle me on the ground and id tell you it hurts and youd say i know but stop being a sissy and i would say sissy my ass youre a sissy and we would fight and fight and id say something like i love you or ich liebe dich and youd say what and id say you heard me and youd kiss me on the cheek and wed keep running and fighting until we both got tired then wed go to my flat and id make you a sandwich and wed watch friends or football on the sitting room couch until we both fell asleep

"you know that every time i pass by your old flat in shifra i look up at your bedroom window and sigh?"

no i didnt know but you tell me that and i seriously start to cry and i say man i miss you and i say youre my best friend and youre more than my friend youre family and i cry and cry and you beg me to stop being a sissy but i know youre crying too because i how your voice crackles when tears are running down your face because way back before all this i love you business when we were regular best friends and not best friends with benefits you were talking to your cousin and you missed her so much that a tear rolled down your cheek and your voice changed so i can feel it and i can feel you and i can feel your tears on the line and i tell you that its not human to miss anyone as much as i miss you and you say

"well i guess im not human"

and you remind me of the time we went to the mall and all the boys were looking at me probably because i was african and strange but you thought it was because of my tits and ass and you swore youd never go to the mall with me again but you went with me every week after that and every time a boy looked at me youd wrap your arms around me and glare at him and now you cant even go to the mall because you say no one shops like me and you remind me of the time we went on the sherut and as usual people stared but all you did was wrap your arms around me and tell me that my hair smelled like baby powder and roses and you breathe hard on the phone for a minute

"r!tah man i cant believe im still sane without you"

and i choke on my saliva and i come to the realization that all this time i knew that i liked you and i knew that i loved you and i knew that you were my best friend but it never ever crossed my mind that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you as your wife but at that very moment with you whispering those few words with you saying them softly so that your nosey roomate doesnt hear as you i realise that every day that ive lived for the past 10 months i have lived for you and that i love you i love you i love you and that i know that im not sane without you and i cant wait to see you again and have you wrap your arms around me and glare at boys who glare at me and tell me my hair smells like baby powder and roses and give me those sweet butterfly kisses on the cheek and love me and love me and love me like in all those israeli songs

Sweet foresight lingering in my toes

Memories of Bahji will make me nostalgic, as the place has become my home. The decent exposure to the fruits of God, the scent of angelic flowers blossoming beneath my feet...
My world has become so small, so small that I can barely imagine. My heart has become so soft, as cloudy and soft as a pillow would be, able to contain a love beyond my imagination, I never thought this to be possible...
Memories of Haifa will make me fall to my knees and weep. A year of wettening the Threshold with my tears, of laughing until I could laugh no longer, of sadness I could not control, of prayer, incredible prayer which always made me believe more in the Unknowable.
Memories of the wonderful souls around me will make me happy, inexplicably happy. Days when my overwhelming loneliness was biting at my heart, when a friend would come and make me laugh so easily, so gently, with all the sincerity in the world, with so much love that I could feel it in my veins.

silverchair

if you see what i'm feeling you'll burn with desire like i am and want to throw your arms around me like i want to do you and rush me at the airport with more passion than you ever thought you had. i only come at you with arms wide open because despite the misery you've put me through i see straight past your dismissive suggestions and i know that like me you're not sure but you want to know.
i'll give you chances for vices but know that i'm only giving you this one last shot.

new fingers

Time heals all wounds but I have to wonder when the salt dries

i'm dry with suspicion and I wish you would come near, come here, i love you
and i'd shout it from the bottom of my lungs, my fingers always find you, find
poetry,
she was disarming.

i want to dance along with you in shapes and sizes, dance again, until six in the morning,
talk nonesence, drunk nonsense, talk and talk and laugh and learn new lives about you
and you want to dance with me too, you said it, you don't know what's real but you
like spending hours with me.

make me shallow again so i can see you superficially and want to kiss you when it's only
hours away from dawn. i don't want to feel the you that i can not quit, i can not quit, i love to
like you like this.
i want to want you again and dance until our feet fall off
i want to have you collapse with me again, be apprehensive, but know what we both want, i want you
i want you
to like it again, to have inside jokes, to make a spirit, to make
well
to
be coy.

i dream about this silence, this suspicious silence that we both want to speak, it could never happen
but we both want it so badly
i yearn you.
do you know what it's like to be yearned?
i yearn you.

it's not proper, it's not proper, but i want you.
and with your fingers on my spine, and your breath on my neck,i love you.

sank twice before he floated above me

michael dives twice into the lake on sunday
only sunday
and here goes nothing, he lays flat on the water

float away like summer did and let me
sink or swim, not really knowing how to do

how to do



wondering if smiles will change the rubbish floating by
him into water lillies and pond beauty, but there he goes
just smiling and floating and singing heartsongs at the
top of his lungs to me, wondering if i'll also come in, will
you also come in? those eyes and my weakness both floating by

the pond gives me a headache, but here goes nothing anyhow
i jump in and he can't believe it, he can't believe it,
i can't believe it

but in the sink or swim of things, i really jumped, and there goes my
fear of dirt and the unknown
the unknown dirt

i smile with my legs flapping, hearing, it's only small fish biting you right now
but i have no urge to leave despite this
i have no urge to jump back out
what happens in the pond stays in the pond
and it happened
it happened twice


and the next morning the only remnants of that swim are the nibs on my legs
from the fish that couldn't get enough of me, no matter how much i shook them off
and michael comes by and i'm sick, too much pond water swallowed,
but his arms around me shy my smile wide
and here goes nothing, i only swim with you

Short introduction; short.

Simple poems and creative writing tidbits, anything not by me is credited.